Things have changed…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…and praying, and talking with people and I have decided against escorting. I’ve done so much thinking even typing the word makes me feel ill. And after that horrible date the other night, and all the awful things he said to me…I’ve been trying to not let it affect me, but still I feel like a loser.

I know that he knows nothing about me, and that I am not what he says I am, but still I do have a past, and I can only imagine what it would feel like in 10 years from now, looking back and knowing that I had a choice and I chose the dark path. And that is what that choice would be. I mean, the money is very, very tempting for me. Like I mentioned before, I have always lived in poverty, and never had a comfortable amount of money. But in the past few months, some of the men I have encountered have made me feel a level of disgust that being poor doesn’t even compare to. So that being said, I am choosing the route of less money, but more internal comfort. I want to be able to be proud of what I do, even if it is something simple like working in a tanning salon, or as a waitress. I want to feel comfortable  talking about my life with my grandma, and one day with my children and husband.

So that’s my big update, and it feels good to write. All my life I have feared judgement, because words cut deep for me, especially the hurtful words of others…and still at this age words hurt me…even if they are from a stranger. I have always been ambitious though, and courageous, meaning I am always willing to better myself, try harder, and do things even though I may feel weak.

I know I was writing before that being that girl is something I have always fantasized about, and dreamed about and I think that is where that shall remain. Because being that girl in real life may not be as glamorous or as sexy and desireable as I would like to think…and hopefully I will be okay with that. In fact, I know I will be okay with that! Life as I see it is about lessons and growth, and what I think is concrete one day may be demolished the next! (Looking out my window at the building being demolished seems like a perfect analogy:) So ya, I guess that chapter of my life is slowly closing, and I am learning the value of a dollar and some hard but integral work. Thank you for reading, and I am certainly open to any feedback and thoughts.


A Really Bad Date… Kissing frogs

I’m a sensitive kind of girl. Always have been, probably always will be. I am sensitive by’ nature, but the nurture part of me has experienced some very raw, horrible and spirit breaking stuff, that would make a girl hardened. So I am a mixture, I am tough and hard, but I am also soft and precious. That being said, I have been brave and vulnerable by starting this blog, and sharing my innermost thoughts and daily experiences with the world, and although I am anonymous, the comments I receive still do reach me. And I appreciate the feedback. I really do.

I want to update ya’ll on my date last night. It was horrible. It only lasted about 15 minutes, I waited at the starbucks for my “date” who showed up late…didn’t offer to buy me a coffee, or go sit inside even though it was cold. He started off by lieing and saying he was hoping to get married in the next 6 days, which was really weird because I actually thought he was serious. He was asking me creepy questions about my fetishes (which I don’t really have, and to be honest, the thought of seeing him naked repulsed me), and even though my first impression was one of mild disgust…I decided to not be judgemental and to give him a shot…but it just kept getting worse and worse. He started asking me about how I make money, and when I told him I was on assistance, because I had trouble with addictions and went to treatment about a year ago, and I am just getting on my feet. He started asking me “doesn’t welfare make you work?” and I said that’s kind of a personal question, like you don’t even know me or anything about me or where I’m at in life” is what I was thinking…he said well I pay taxes so no that not really a person question. Then he said “so I guess we have different political views to” or something dueschy like that, and I just got up to leave, and he quickly got up right after me and said “ya I agree”. Ew, what a horrible experience. There was so much more dsgusting shit he said to me during our meet. It’s not even worth me writing it out here.

Anyway, he messaged me after telling me how he’s gonna warn all the gentlemen on the site not to date me because I’m a drug addict and a mooch of society. Wow, what a gentleman.

Well I’m prepared to kiss many frogs before I find my Prince, and I know none of that is true. And from any criticisms I take what I can improve on and leave the rest. Because no one, no matter how much money you have, has the right to put another person down. And I truly believe that. Unless someone is a pedaphile or a murderer or something horrible and someone who is not interested in atleast thinking about trying to improve themselves or improve the world.

I’m trying to be like a duck, and just let that shit roll off my back. Trying to keep positive.

Please pray for me if you have a minute, thanks.