Some peoples true colors turn ugly

So I have this friend that I met while I was volunteering for a womens recovery group as a mentor, she was also a mentor. We started hanging out outside of group, going for coffee and we started getting really honest with eachother about a lot of personal shit, that honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. And our relationship started to grow and I actually enjoyed just hanging out and talking about psychology and philosphy and drugs and recovery and sex and all sorts of taboo shit. And this was so special to me because I honestly don’t really like a lot of people, it’s rare for me to come across someone I really connect with on an deeper honest level.

Slowly, we both began to slip, and it began to seem to me that as soon as I would tell her I did something, she would use that as an OK to go ahead and do that herself, she was using me as her enabler. Recently when I told her I slipped and used H, she used that as an ok to start using her doc. Now she’s using it day after day and her life and goals are going to shit, where as I have stopped using as of last tuesday. And she says she’s “harm reduction”, and so she phones me late last night because she was worried that she was going to overdose. Now that is not harm reduction, that is someone hiding under the veil of hr. And it’s bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

So today I called her, my call was rejected. So I text her to ask how shes doing and she says sorry I missed your call, I was fixing. Fuck man, what am I supposed to say to that? What did she expect me to do or say when she called me like that last night? So she starts saying how I’ve never listened to her and all this hurtful dramatic crap so I say “talk to me when you’re sober” and she said “excuse me fuck you” and I said “you just lost a friend. peace”

Fuck man I hate drugs. I hate how they destroy peoples dreams and goals. I can’t stand the thought of all the relationships lost and hearts broken because of dope. It’s crazy seeing it from the other side, it was always me being the dramatic over reacting lunatic, who cared nothing about you unless you were enabling my use. There’s no point in argueing with a using addict. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and will leave you drained and heartbroken. It’s fucked seeing it from the other side, and seeing a person change. I feel so powerless. I just thank god for my family, and that my family is safe and that I have my sanity and that I am not caught in the steely grip of addiction. It’s a horrible position to be in, for everyone involved with the addict.

All I can do it pray, because honestly I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have much experience on this side of the fence, but I can tell when I’m being used. And she’s using me as  someone to cosign her drug use. And I refuse to do that any longer. But I don’t know how to go about helping her without making it worse, because it seems like no matter what I say she reacts to it negatively. Fack.

Anyways, I will continue to stay strong, and I look forward to a new year baby! 2015! It’s gonna be a good year I tell ya ❤

Xoxoxo

***Any personal experiences, suggestions, or comments of any kind would be very greatly appreciated. LoVe Xoxox

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all we gotta do is try, baby, try

So Things have been pretty dark and gloomy lately, and not only that, but stagnant. I’ve been self-indulgent and neglecting my real well-being, by just fulfilling myself with junk and being a lazy b*tch. And today I finally had enough. And with a little guilt trip from my beautiful mother, I stood my ground and cut my own hours to something manageable, which didn’t go over so well at first with the boys, but it’s the way it has to be for me to enjoy my sanity as well as have a good attitude at work. Not only did I acheive that goal, which felt wonderful, but I threw on my gym clothes and hit the illiptical for half hour then i treated myself with a swim and hot tub for the following hour and half…now I feel truly wonderful, and revived. I feel human again. I didn’t really see how I was digging myself a hole slowly until i finally got out of it. I feel so good, drug free, got some energy from the gym, and got my dopamine flowing in a natural, healthy way…and I feel back on track. It’s good.

I always tell myself after a workout how important it is for me to do this weekly..and somehow I always slip, I always think the easier, softer way will make me feel better, and that it’s better to be lazy and eating junk food and fulfilling myself with unhealthy sh*t. So silly…when will I learn for good damnit?!?!? Silly human brain, gad I frustrate me sometimes. It seems like I repeat the same mistakes alot, like 2 steps forward, one step back type of thing, but when I look back on where I was last year I really have made a lot of changes and learned a lot from my mistakes. So I guess this is just perfecting the madness and I am only in my twenties and I believe this decade is for making mistakes and figuring out who the hell we are and how we would like to live and be. And sometimes that is just not a pretty sight. Haha.

Anyways, now that I’m feeling human again, I guess it’s time to start stressing out about the upcoming holidays and christmas shopping and all that jazz. It’s times like these where I wish I drove. Damnit. LOL. Oh well, if I think about it, and like you, I have a lot to be grateful for. A roof over my head, food in my stomach, family, and a future to do with as I please. Everything else is just details, but I want them to be the best details they can, and being an addict, I want to feel as good as possible, and from trial and error I know that good feeling is only sustainable through working out and eating well, and petting a cat if you have one (nothing dirtty there haha)

It feels good to finally be typing something positive, and maybe even funny. Thats me…Im not really a huge complainer unless I reeeeally feel like ass. Happy humpday friends!! Xoxoxo

the Guilt of Reality

Today is a tough day for me. I took the day off. I desparately need it, although I’ve only been working for over a month, it’s been nearly everyday and for 10-12 hours at a time. Needless to say, all other parts of my usual life have been suffering greatly, and the one big guilt i have is the lack of time I have been spending with my mum. I let her in on what I have been doing, and I’m sure thats hard enough on her. She knows that this is just a temporary gig for me, and that I’m just trying to reach some financial goals that I have been unable to attain in the past 5+ years. It’s sad, but it’s really difficult to save for anything, especially when you’re a woman with no real skills and a looming drug addiction. Well atleast I’m not going down that road again, thats one thing I know for sure, and one less thing to feel guilty about.

It’s weird, for me I have always felt this underlying sense of guilt, even when I’m not doing anything wrong…it’s like I feel guilty just for being me…LOL. That’s some wack shit right there…no wonder I drink. Haha. But anyways, that feeling has been lessening the more sober time I have, and the more comfortable I am in my skin. And I don’t want to let this get away from me again, I want to stay on top of my sense of confidence, and be the one in control of what I do. See I have a huge problem with saying no to people, and I desparately want to ask for less days  a week of work, but I am being manipulated to work more, which wouldn’t be a bad thing if I could find some infinite source of energy and time and be able to fit in all the things I love in my time off, which is fucking clearly inpossible since all I want to do when I come home is lay in bed. Thats sad. LoL. But atleast I’m aware of what I want, and now I just gotta figure out how to ask for it and make it happen. I figure I will do it some time after christmas, since I will obviously be taking christmas off and Im sure I’ll muster up some courage to demand what I want. And it’s not like it’s that unfair or obnoxious to want to work only 3-4 days a week instead of 5-6 and those are long days.

Anyways I dont want to bore y’all with my boring stuff. I’m finding great relief in reading other bloggers stuff…there are some amazing and interesting writers out there that help inspire me, get me through the day…yep its pretty awesome. And today is one of those days where I’m gonna stay in bed and nerd out on my computer because I deserve it 🙂 Maybe I’ll hit the gym…

LoVe Xoxox

Happy holidays ho ho hos

Hello lovers So I’m finally feeling back to normal. Normal! LOL. Thats a joke. But anyways, I’m my throat is all better and my head is not acheing so I’m good to go! It’s been a good few days at work, with only one incident…that I don’t really want to get into…but anyways! I went out for a drink with my sexy boss last night which was just what I needed. My social life has really been suffering (not that it was so fabulous before) but what I mean is with the hours I work it’s difficult to plan with friends or even just muster up the energy to want to socialize, and not just fall onto my bed and watch tv until the wee hours. So it was nice to get out a little last night. I also got to go out with my girlfriend on Friday and have some much needed girl time and talk about all the shit I’ve been doing. Because yes some of you were right, drugs are a part of the escorting life style and I have been using here and there. But it’s a novely thing, and I’m sure the novelty will wear thin soon enough. and it already is.

And one thing I do know is that I don’t enjoy doing blow. Well it’s weird, I do and I don’t. I guess it depends on the situation, and I really only enjoy doing a little, not a lot, like a whole night bender, that shit is way too hard on my system. I really only enjoy doing it with another girl, and in a fun social situation, like it’s fun to do duos with some blow to make it more exciting, but other than that, the drug is kinda lame, and expensive.

But my real pressing issue thats been kind of getting to me, and the one thing I must tell you is I have mainly been working by myself, and I’m getting pretty lonely…I wish there was another girl here working with me. It’s funny cuz I have always enjoyed my own company and working alone…but I guess too much of a “good” thing is enough for me…I want company dammit! Lol. It’s fun having another girl to work with, and gossip with and talk shit about the men we take money from hahaha. So I mentioned this to the bosses (well not the gory details) and hopefully there will be another girl here soon. I hope. For my sanity’s sake.

Anyways… time for me to eat my dinner and chill for a bit before my next booking.

LoVe xoxoxo

First day as an escort

So Some things changed in the past 2 days, I could write a frickin’ novel of the events but I won’t do that..I’ll just tell you the exciting parts!

So it’s pretty clear that I am a bad girl. Bad, bad girl. Some shit went down yesterday, I have an issue with shoplifting, I think it has a lot to do with the fact I have grown up and lived in poverty my entire life, and so it’s a terrible habit I developed when I was in the depths of addiction, and unfortunately it has carried over into my clean life. And I know it’s wrong, it’s been weighing on my conscience lately and I’ve been telling myself I should stop doing it, and I know theres not excuse other than it is purely impulsive. And I’ve been getting away with it for so long, but yesterday I got caught. Stealing food because I ran out of money and I am hungry.

It was a huge scare, thank god they didn’t press charges and I thought I was going to get kicked out of my building but I came clean and I got a second chance. I will never shoplift again ever. Scared the life out of me and I’m so grateful not to have a record. I can’t believe I would take risks like that, but I guess that’s all part of the addictive mind…risk taking…impulsiveness…so that’s something I am seriously going to put under the microscope and do some serious work and councelling around because I don’t want to get in trouble with the law or lose my housing.

So after that giant scare I called buddy who runs the escort agency, because I thought I was going to be kicked out of my low income housing, and asked for that interview I was supposed to have last week. Anyways, I had the interview tonight and it was amazing, he was such a gentleman, we went for tea and talked and then he brought me to the condo where I met the other girl I will be working with.

He said he will get along so well because she’s just like me, cute, bubbly, smiley and a sweetheart. And ya! It was a great start, he took some photos of my in lingerie and these hot knee high boots, as well as naked, then we went through the process, and it was fucking hot. We layed down and started kissing, then I gave him some head and we fucked 3 different ways before he came. First on my back, which was mm so good, then I got on top, then he took me from behind me on all fours. It was damn good. And it’s nice because theres showers and it’s really private and it’s just the 2 of us girls, and security.

I’m so happy that I changed my mind and had the guts to actually go for the interview, because after that horrible date last week I was very skeptical of men in general. But this turned out to be very professional and real, unlike the goofs off seeking arrangement. So that was my first day on the job, and tomorrow is my real first day on the job, I start in the morning.

Wish me luck ❤

Life is so up & down…like a Rollercoaster!

Happy Saturday to you folks out there! I don’t know about you but I’ve been loving this frozen sunshine-y weather ❤

And so, I know I was feeling a little down last week, now things are slowly but surely looking up again! And I realized (not for the first time) that Life is so like that, atleast for me it is. My moods and energy fluctuates from week to week, up and down, sometimes I’m more stable for longer periods, sometimes it’s super crazy up and down. And I find, from being in recovery, and having to become very self aware, is that the more sober I am, the happier and more stable I am.

I realize that that should be super obvious, but it’s not. I use alcohol and drugs, just like anyone, for various reasons, but mainly, I use them to stabilize my mood… or so I think they will. When in reality, the substances just make me more depressed or manic, then stable or “feeling good”. It’s such an illusion, dug deep into my brain and rooted there that D & A is the answer. Slowly with each realization and each time I make the mistake, that illusion get a little weaker in it’s hold on my brain, and on my impulsive decision making. So often do I tell myself “I’m not gonna drink today”, then I’ll be bored for one minute and the thought pops in my head and I’m like “ah what the hell..” or some lame excuse and next thing you know I’m having a beer or two.

Today I was walking down the street, coming home from the library, and I was thinking to myself how I used to think that by saying yes to myself all the time, I mean giving in to my every urge and desire, was an example of treating myself well. And by denying myself of anything I wanted was stupid. HA! That’s hilarious. (And I believe that’s called hedonism) Today I felt so good after I said no to myself, and, not that I do it all the time, but when I do say no to my urges I feel great. I know that saying no to myself is a good thing, if not a great thing to practice. It’s called self control baby. And it makes a person strong and awesome. And sober and healthy. And damn do I get a lot more accomplished when I don’t feel like shit and hungover, wondering what I’m going to eat because I can’t stop pigging out and drinking more to make myself feel better…that is a truly friggin’ aweful way to live. So now that I’m out of that vicious circle for the time being, I’m going to maintain this for as long as I can! Because it’s so easy to get sucked back into that shit, after all, the devil comes disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted. Ain’t that the truth.

Down in the dumps. Fuck.

For some reason I’m feeling super depressed tonight. It’s weird because I have been doing the “next right thing” and making good decisions lately…and that should have me feeling good, but I just feel depressed. I even went out for coffee with my good friend today, and I also have a potential job that’s looking good, and I’ve been productive today, and still, just feel down. I think it’s because I feel lonely. My one guy friend ditched out on our plans 2 weeks ago, and hasn’t spoken to me since, and it hurts. Now I know what it feels like to be just disappeared on. I used to do it all the time to people when I would go off into my addiction, and just leave my loved ones hanging, not knowing where I am, or if they’re gonna see me again. Fuck.

These days, I try not to let thoughts like that take me over, or make me feel horrible like they should…my loved ones told me not to let those things of the past eat at me…and I guess it’s true, why let the horrors of the past ruin today. I am here today, and I’m not going anywhere, and I sure as hell will never do any of those terrible things again, I just didn’t KNOW back then. I tricked myself into thinking no one even cared, and that they were actually just better off without me around. Now I know, that was my addiction. I am so much different today, I am my true self, and that wasn’t me, I was jaded, taken over and dictated by an evil force: Addiction. Now today with this experience and awareness, I’ll do what I can to help other young women suffering from the same shit I went through. I will do anything I can, and I will always say yes to a person who wants my help.

That’s actually why I started this blog, not just as a place for me to vent all my shit, but I hoped that maybe it would help someone, somewhere, that maybe some words I say will help someone with a tough decision, or face an insecurity by hearing that another woman has felt the same way, and that we’re all just human and that there is someone out there who cares. I care. If this sounds like you please feel free to comment or send me an email and I will help in any way I can. I am almost 1 year clean, so I’ve been through quite a bit when it comes to recovery, after all this is not my first kick at the can so to speak. I have 10 years experience with addiction, and was in and out of recovery for 3. And by the grace of god I have this much clean time, and I love my life! Regardless that I do feel depressed and shitty sometimes, I know how to get through it clean, because I know my worst day clean is 1000x better than my best day loaded. That’s the truth!

Anyways I actually feel better now then when I first started writing. That’s why writing is my healer. It helps me remember all I am grateful for, and all there is to work towards and look forward to. It gives me hope and allows me to dream! And make those dreams into a reality!  Ya baby! I wonder if everyone who writes finds it as therapeutic as I do? Hmm..

Thanks for reading, please leave me a comment! I will comment on your blog in return. And that is a Promise! Thanks ❤