A deeper kind of Happiness

So yes the holidays are over. Thank god. Now I’m done with being lazy, eating chocolate and just eating eating for every occasion, being so self indulgent with wine drinking and smoking joints and wasting money on other things I shouldn’t be ūüėČ

So now I ask myself, where is my deeper kind of happiness? I know it’s there, easily forgotten or tuned out, putting too much value on the things that come and go so easily, the small things, the things easily gained and lost. I want to be tuned in to my purpose, my inner values and my inner peace. It seems silly but I find this when I go to the gym.

Thats my thing now. Is I need to be saying no to the easy way and push myself to do the thing that feels more amazing than heroin and costs barely anything. The gym. I love it. This year is going to be good. Great, even. I know this sounds super cliche probably seeing as how its January 2nd and I’m vowing that the gym is my god this year. LOL

I’m finaly back at work on sunday so that should be good.

LoVe Xoxoxo

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Life is so up & down…like a Rollercoaster!

Happy Saturday to you folks out there! I don’t know about you but I’ve been loving this frozen sunshine-y weather ‚̧

And so, I know I was feeling a little down last week,¬†now things are slowly but surely looking up again! And I realized (not for the first time) that Life is so like that, atleast for me it is. My moods and energy fluctuates from week to week, up and down, sometimes I’m more stable for longer periods, sometimes it’s super crazy up and down. And I find, from being in recovery, and having to become very self aware, is that the more sober I am, the happier and more stable I am.

I realize that that¬†should be super obvious, but it’s not. I use alcohol and drugs, just like anyone, for various reasons, but mainly, I use them to stabilize my mood… or so I think they will. When in reality, the substances just make me more depressed or manic, then stable or “feeling good”. It’s such an illusion, dug deep into my brain and rooted there that D & A is the answer. Slowly with each realization and each time I make the mistake, that illusion get a little weaker in it’s hold on my brain, and on my impulsive decision making. So often do I tell myself “I’m not gonna drink today”, then I’ll be bored for one minute and the thought pops in my head and I’m like “ah what the hell..” or some lame excuse and next thing you know I’m having a beer or two.

Today I was walking down the street, coming home from the library, and I was thinking to myself how I used to think that by saying yes to myself all the time, I mean giving in to my every urge and desire, was an example of treating myself well. And by denying myself of anything I wanted was stupid. HA! That’s hilarious. (And I believe that’s called hedonism)¬†Today I felt so good after I said no to myself, and, not that I do it all the time, but when I do say no to my urges I feel great. I know that saying no to myself is a good thing, if not a great thing to practice. It’s called self control baby. And it makes a person strong and awesome. And sober and healthy. And damn do I get a lot more accomplished when I don’t feel like shit and hungover, wondering what I’m going to eat because I can’t stop pigging out and drinking more to make myself feel better…that is a truly friggin’ aweful way to live. So now that I’m out of that vicious circle for the time being,¬†I’m going to¬†maintain this for as long as I can! Because it’s so easy to get sucked back into that shit, after all,¬†the devil comes disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted. Ain’t that the truth.