all we gotta do is try, baby, try

So Things have been pretty dark and gloomy lately, and not only that, but stagnant. I’ve been self-indulgent and neglecting my real well-being, by just fulfilling myself with junk and being a lazy b*tch. And today I finally had enough. And with a little guilt trip from my beautiful mother, I stood my ground and cut my own hours to something manageable, which didn’t go over so well at first with the boys, but it’s the way it has to be for me to enjoy my sanity as well as have a good attitude at work. Not only did I acheive that goal, which felt wonderful, but I threw on my gym clothes and hit the illiptical for half hour then i treated myself with a swim and hot tub for the following hour and half…now I feel truly wonderful, and revived. I feel human again. I didn’t really see how I was digging myself a hole slowly until i finally got out of it. I feel so good, drug free, got some energy from the gym, and got my dopamine flowing in a natural, healthy way…and I feel back on track. It’s good.

I always tell myself after a workout how important it is for me to do this weekly..and somehow I always slip, I always think the easier, softer way will make me feel better, and that it’s better to be lazy and eating junk food and fulfilling myself with unhealthy sh*t. So silly…when will I learn for good damnit?!?!? Silly human brain, gad I frustrate me sometimes. It seems like I repeat the same mistakes alot, like 2 steps forward, one step back type of thing, but when I look back on where I was last year I really have made a lot of changes and learned a lot from my mistakes. So I guess this is just perfecting the madness and I am only in my twenties and I believe this decade is for making mistakes and figuring out who the hell we are and how we would like to live and be. And sometimes that is just not a pretty sight. Haha.

Anyways, now that I’m feeling human again, I guess it’s time to start stressing out about the upcoming holidays and christmas shopping and all that jazz. It’s times like these where I wish I drove. Damnit. LOL. Oh well, if I think about it, and like you, I have a lot to be grateful for. A roof over my head, food in my stomach, family, and a future to do with as I please. Everything else is just details, but I want them to be the best details they can, and being an addict, I want to feel as good as possible, and from trial and error I know that good feeling is only sustainable through working out and eating well, and petting a cat if you have one (nothing dirtty there haha)

It feels good to finally be typing something positive, and maybe even funny. Thats me…Im not really a huge complainer unless I reeeeally feel like ass. Happy humpday friends!! Xoxoxo


Things have changed…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…and praying, and talking with people and I have decided against escorting. I’ve done so much thinking even typing the word makes me feel ill. And after that horrible date the other night, and all the awful things he said to me…I’ve been trying to not let it affect me, but still I feel like a loser.

I know that he knows nothing about me, and that I am not what he says I am, but still I do have a past, and I can only imagine what it would feel like in 10 years from now, looking back and knowing that I had a choice and I chose the dark path. And that is what that choice would be. I mean, the money is very, very tempting for me. Like I mentioned before, I have always lived in poverty, and never had a comfortable amount of money. But in the past few months, some of the men I have encountered have made me feel a level of disgust that being poor doesn’t even compare to. So that being said, I am choosing the route of less money, but more internal comfort. I want to be able to be proud of what I do, even if it is something simple like working in a tanning salon, or as a waitress. I want to feel comfortable¬† talking about my life with my grandma, and one day with my children and husband.

So that’s my big update, and it feels good to write. All my life I have feared judgement, because words cut deep for me, especially the hurtful words of others…and still at this age words hurt me…even if they are from a stranger. I have always been ambitious though, and courageous, meaning I am always willing to better myself, try harder, and do things even though I may feel weak.

I know I was writing before that being that girl is something I have always fantasized about, and dreamed about and I think that is where that shall remain. Because being that girl in real life may not be as glamorous or as sexy and desireable as I would like to think…and hopefully I will be okay with that. In fact, I know I will be okay with that! Life as I see it is about lessons and growth, and what I think is concrete one day may be demolished the next! (Looking out my window at the building being demolished seems like a perfect analogy:) So ya, I guess that chapter of my life is slowly closing, and I am learning the value of a dollar and some hard but integral work. Thank you for reading, and I am certainly open to any feedback and thoughts.