Levelling out <3

So I quit escorting yesterday. I am done. I started to not enjoy the work, and the anti-social lifestyle that it brought me was beginning to be too much. Plus the dream.

I had a dream last week of love. Real live love, I felt it, and when I woke up I cried because I was alone, and I knew what I had to do if I ever wanted to feel that feeling again. I had to do the right thing and quit the agency.

Un requited love is the most terrible kind of love…like pure torture of the heart body & soul. Please god let this be destiny, let him find me and hold eachother like in the dream you gave me. If that not be  your will, then fine. I trust in that, but I will not sit back and let life happen, i will reach out and grab life by the nuts

So ya I guess I’m job hunting. But first, Thailand ❤ yes in march I will go to Thailand and get off methadone. Lol, yes another one of my crazy goals I will go through wit even though people say Im crazy. I feel proud of myself for doing the things I’ve done, and the things I’ve stopped doing.

Anyways, I feel things are levelling out just as they should be. Love u loves xoxox

why am i alive?

And I don’t mean this in a “oh fuck im going to kill myself because my life is pointless” kind of way. I’m just like shit man, Im an escort, and business has been slow, and that makes me question myself. obviously. fuck. only an escort would undertstand.

and i got these amazing nails done, and i cant type worth a shit with them which is driving me nuts. maybe something to do with the depression i’ve been having for the past while. fuck these nails. but damn their hot. story of my life. my bipolar life.

SPLIT. thats the only way to sum up my brain, and my thinking, and my actions, my everyything. schizophrenia literally means split-brain.

Finally the agency hired another girl. fuck its nice to have someone to relate to in real life. Even if its just for a day, who knows how long she will last.

Im so anti—social. Its my goal this year to open myself up to the idea of meeting people and making friends, relationships. Im so closed, so unavailable. And to travel is my second goal. Im gonna go travel across to the other side of the world for awhile 🙂 Thailand will be my first stop, then who knows, maybe australia, or Rome. find me some love, and some surfing.

I apologize for the long gap in my updates ❤

love you lovers Xoxoxo

Some peoples true colors turn ugly

So I have this friend that I met while I was volunteering for a womens recovery group as a mentor, she was also a mentor. We started hanging out outside of group, going for coffee and we started getting really honest with eachother about a lot of personal shit, that honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. And our relationship started to grow and I actually enjoyed just hanging out and talking about psychology and philosphy and drugs and recovery and sex and all sorts of taboo shit. And this was so special to me because I honestly don’t really like a lot of people, it’s rare for me to come across someone I really connect with on an deeper honest level.

Slowly, we both began to slip, and it began to seem to me that as soon as I would tell her I did something, she would use that as an OK to go ahead and do that herself, she was using me as her enabler. Recently when I told her I slipped and used H, she used that as an ok to start using her doc. Now she’s using it day after day and her life and goals are going to shit, where as I have stopped using as of last tuesday. And she says she’s “harm reduction”, and so she phones me late last night because she was worried that she was going to overdose. Now that is not harm reduction, that is someone hiding under the veil of hr. And it’s bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

So today I called her, my call was rejected. So I text her to ask how shes doing and she says sorry I missed your call, I was fixing. Fuck man, what am I supposed to say to that? What did she expect me to do or say when she called me like that last night? So she starts saying how I’ve never listened to her and all this hurtful dramatic crap so I say “talk to me when you’re sober” and she said “excuse me fuck you” and I said “you just lost a friend. peace”

Fuck man I hate drugs. I hate how they destroy peoples dreams and goals. I can’t stand the thought of all the relationships lost and hearts broken because of dope. It’s crazy seeing it from the other side, it was always me being the dramatic over reacting lunatic, who cared nothing about you unless you were enabling my use. There’s no point in argueing with a using addict. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and will leave you drained and heartbroken. It’s fucked seeing it from the other side, and seeing a person change. I feel so powerless. I just thank god for my family, and that my family is safe and that I have my sanity and that I am not caught in the steely grip of addiction. It’s a horrible position to be in, for everyone involved with the addict.

All I can do it pray, because honestly I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have much experience on this side of the fence, but I can tell when I’m being used. And she’s using me as  someone to cosign her drug use. And I refuse to do that any longer. But I don’t know how to go about helping her without making it worse, because it seems like no matter what I say she reacts to it negatively. Fack.

Anyways, I will continue to stay strong, and I look forward to a new year baby! 2015! It’s gonna be a good year I tell ya ❤

Xoxoxo

***Any personal experiences, suggestions, or comments of any kind would be very greatly appreciated. LoVe Xoxox

Happy holidays ho ho hos

Hello lovers So I’m finally feeling back to normal. Normal! LOL. Thats a joke. But anyways, I’m my throat is all better and my head is not acheing so I’m good to go! It’s been a good few days at work, with only one incident…that I don’t really want to get into…but anyways! I went out for a drink with my sexy boss last night which was just what I needed. My social life has really been suffering (not that it was so fabulous before) but what I mean is with the hours I work it’s difficult to plan with friends or even just muster up the energy to want to socialize, and not just fall onto my bed and watch tv until the wee hours. So it was nice to get out a little last night. I also got to go out with my girlfriend on Friday and have some much needed girl time and talk about all the shit I’ve been doing. Because yes some of you were right, drugs are a part of the escorting life style and I have been using here and there. But it’s a novely thing, and I’m sure the novelty will wear thin soon enough. and it already is.

And one thing I do know is that I don’t enjoy doing blow. Well it’s weird, I do and I don’t. I guess it depends on the situation, and I really only enjoy doing a little, not a lot, like a whole night bender, that shit is way too hard on my system. I really only enjoy doing it with another girl, and in a fun social situation, like it’s fun to do duos with some blow to make it more exciting, but other than that, the drug is kinda lame, and expensive.

But my real pressing issue thats been kind of getting to me, and the one thing I must tell you is I have mainly been working by myself, and I’m getting pretty lonely…I wish there was another girl here working with me. It’s funny cuz I have always enjoyed my own company and working alone…but I guess too much of a “good” thing is enough for me…I want company dammit! Lol. It’s fun having another girl to work with, and gossip with and talk shit about the men we take money from hahaha. So I mentioned this to the bosses (well not the gory details) and hopefully there will be another girl here soon. I hope. For my sanity’s sake.

Anyways… time for me to eat my dinner and chill for a bit before my next booking.

LoVe xoxoxo

Things are getting hot up in hurrr

I’m excited for my date tonight!! Wish me luck. I’m super nervous and excited. And just to give an update, I have an interview this week for an escort agency. I am super excited and nervous for that as well, as it has always been a dream of mine. You know how little girls dream of finding a husband and getting married and all that jazz, well my dream has always been to be a stripper or an escort and be highly desired by all men. I must be sick. But that is what makes me happy! I have tried the marriage/monogamous relationship thing several times, and I just end up getting hurt and feeling jealous and lesser-than, comparing myself to every other woman, etc. and I hate feeling those feelings. So in a way I’ve given up on that. And now it’s all about me. I’m finally being true to myself, and yes I know it might sound immature, or like it’s not going to last, and I realize that. I just want to do this, try it and have it out of my system, THEN I might be more ready to try and settle down, find a man to be loyal to, have some kids and I’ll feel ready to be that woman. But at this time, this is what I desire.. I want to work hard and save up all the money I make and put it away for something good and worthwhile. So I’m super grateful that I am clean and I have my values and goals clear in my mind. And I am not giving up on this dream… I want to save up some serious money, pay off my debts, get my teeth fixed, eyes fixed, and maybe save up for a house for in the future. I feel good about this!

Having said that, I realize that this doesn’t sound like a very spiritual thing to be doing, but it just is what it is.. and it’s something I have wanted to try for a long time, and in my mind, it’s okay to try different things, and make mistakes, as long as I’m not hurting anyone or myself. And I don’t see trading sex for money as morally wrong or spiritually unjust, it’s something that has been around for ages, and as long as it’s not harming anyone then it is not a bad thing! It is a good thing! That’s how I see it, and maybe other people see it differently, I respect that. It’s an experience and it’s happening. I will update after my interview.

On a totally different note, I am quite pleased that I have some followers on my blog! This makes me super happy, so thank you to the peeps who are following me. I will get around to checking out each of your blogs, I love reading and learning about new people and hopefully, new friends. Super cool.

So this weekend, I spend out at my families house, helping my sisters clean their suite (since it’s a pigsty, they are teenagers) and I gave my sister a little gift of a leather-bound journal with owls on it, and some pens to start writing, as she is going through some hard times with her dad and is having trouble expressing her feelings. I know from experience how valuable journaling can be, when I went to treatment for the second time I wasn’t allowed to communicate with my family or anyone I knew for 30 days and I felt super lonely and depressed. I got through those times by journaling and writing out my feelings, it really is a strong tool for working through shit. So I hope she uses it! I love her so much, and she’s such a good girl. She learned a lot from the mistakes of her big sister (yours truly), and for that I am grateful. So that was fun, and I also discovered some old boxes of my stuff, including my grad dress and all my paperwork from my esthetics course I took a few years ago, which cost $13,000 and thank god I found my diploma, I thought I had lost it, so that tied up some loose ends for me and again made me feel really good. It was a good weekend. I also ran into an old guy friend whom I went to the Metallica concert with in grade 9. That was like 12 years ago!! He is in recovery too, which is super cool. He talked my face off, he was happy to see me. Said I have some color in my face, I was really pale back then, not that I’m that much more tanned now, I just use bronzer lol.

So I started reading some other blogs and it is just so cool to know other people have similar thoughts and other people are just human too, with human problems, human experiences and ways of expressing it and I am just really enjoying this whole blogging experience so far. Hopefully I’ll get some comments and feedback some day!

Love love love