all we gotta do is try, baby, try

So Things have been pretty dark and gloomy lately, and not only that, but stagnant. I’ve been self-indulgent and neglecting my real well-being, by just fulfilling myself with junk and being a lazy b*tch. And today I finally had enough. And with a little guilt trip from my beautiful mother, I stood my ground and cut my own hours to something manageable, which didn’t go over so well at first with the boys, but it’s the way it has to be for me to enjoy my sanity as well as have a good attitude at work. Not only did I acheive that goal, which felt wonderful, but I threw on my gym clothes and hit the illiptical for half hour then i treated myself with a swim and hot tub for the following hour and half…now I feel truly wonderful, and revived. I feel human again. I didn’t really see how I was digging myself a hole slowly until i finally got out of it. I feel so good, drug free, got some energy from the gym, and got my dopamine flowing in a natural, healthy way…and I feel back on track. It’s good.

I always tell myself after a workout how important it is for me to do this weekly..and somehow I always slip, I always think the easier, softer way will make me feel better, and that it’s better to be lazy and eating junk food and fulfilling myself with unhealthy sh*t. So silly…when will I learn for good damnit?!?!? Silly human brain, gad I frustrate me sometimes. It seems like I repeat the same mistakes alot, like 2 steps forward, one step back type of thing, but when I look back on where I was last year I really have made a lot of changes and learned a lot from my mistakes. So I guess this is just perfecting the madness and I am only in my twenties and I believe this decade is for making mistakes and figuring out who the hell we are and how we would like to live and be. And sometimes that is just not a pretty sight. Haha.

Anyways, now that I’m feeling human again, I guess it’s time to start stressing out about the upcoming holidays and christmas shopping and all that jazz. It’s times like these where I wish I drove. Damnit. LOL. Oh well, if I think about it, and like you, I have a lot to be grateful for. A roof over my head, food in my stomach, family, and a future to do with as I please. Everything else is just details, but I want them to be the best details they can, and being an addict, I want to feel as good as possible, and from trial and error I know that good feeling is only sustainable through working out and eating well, and petting a cat if you have one (nothing dirtty there haha)

It feels good to finally be typing something positive, and maybe even funny. Thats me…Im not really a huge complainer unless I reeeeally feel like ass. Happy humpday friends!! Xoxoxo

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It feels good to make good decisions

It’s true, that doing the right thing, even when no ones watching, feels really darn good. After making that decision yesterday, I’m feeling a lot better, definately less depressed and more optimistic and content with life. I went out handing out resumes today, it was bright and sunny and fucking freezing, but I was happy and I’m actually really excited to possibly be employed at this really awesome place that is right up my alley, so to say.

And this is just one of a serious of good decisions I’ve made in my first year clean. Yep I’m coming up to my One Year clean!! Wow!! I’ve never, ever been able to kick the drugs for this long, and I’m so proud of myself. Life is amazing, and for once, this feels like a permanent change for me. It’s really amazing and wonderful the relationship I have now with my fam. That means so much more to me than money, or drugs, or dishonesty. That’s one of the main reasons I am able to stay clean, and make good decisions, for the most part any way! Even when I make mistakes, the reason why I care to fix them and learn from them and grow n all that good stuff, is because I hate being dishonest with my family, and it’s so hard to be open about making bad decisions…especially when I don’t want to fix them. Which I inevitably will, but there’s still that time between making the mistake and wanting to fix it. The time when it doesn’t seem like so much of a bad idea, like me with my dream of being an escort, LOL. Not really something ya wanna be talking about to the fam. Get my point? Ya, we’re all human…I just like to write about it!!

Oh, and get this! Today, after I got back from handing out resumes, I got a call from this guy I know (friend in my building) and he let’s me know I have a job for winter with the company he works for, I just have to send in my resume! So it really is true, that good things come to those who try. And it wasn’t even that bad, I just threw myself together and went out with some resumes. It was fucking freezing but I was happy. This is the first time I have gone job hunting for years. After all, the past 3 years I’ve been a dope shootin’ little skank with violent criminal tendancies. Haha. Sounds worse than it is…but it was bad, I was completely insane. I’m surprised I came back from that person, and that I didn’t die.

Anyway, enough of that! Just I’d be completely open and thorough on my blog. I can’t be expressing myself as this person who is just a normal day-to-day average joe, this is my recovery blog..and I have been to fucking hell and back. Thank you for reading!!