Levelling out <3

So I quit escorting yesterday. I am done. I started to not enjoy the work, and the anti-social lifestyle that it brought me was beginning to be too much. Plus the dream.

I had a dream last week of love. Real live love, I felt it, and when I woke up I cried because I was alone, and I knew what I had to do if I ever wanted to feel that feeling again. I had to do the right thing and quit the agency.

Un requited love is the most terrible kind of love…like pure torture of the heart body & soul. Please god let this be destiny, let him find me and hold eachother like in the dream you gave me. If that not be  your will, then fine. I trust in that, but I will not sit back and let life happen, i will reach out and grab life by the nuts

So ya I guess I’m job hunting. But first, Thailand ❤ yes in march I will go to Thailand and get off methadone. Lol, yes another one of my crazy goals I will go through wit even though people say Im crazy. I feel proud of myself for doing the things I’ve done, and the things I’ve stopped doing.

Anyways, I feel things are levelling out just as they should be. Love u loves xoxox

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why am i alive?

And I don’t mean this in a “oh fuck im going to kill myself because my life is pointless” kind of way. I’m just like shit man, Im an escort, and business has been slow, and that makes me question myself. obviously. fuck. only an escort would undertstand.

and i got these amazing nails done, and i cant type worth a shit with them which is driving me nuts. maybe something to do with the depression i’ve been having for the past while. fuck these nails. but damn their hot. story of my life. my bipolar life.

SPLIT. thats the only way to sum up my brain, and my thinking, and my actions, my everyything. schizophrenia literally means split-brain.

Finally the agency hired another girl. fuck its nice to have someone to relate to in real life. Even if its just for a day, who knows how long she will last.

Im so anti—social. Its my goal this year to open myself up to the idea of meeting people and making friends, relationships. Im so closed, so unavailable. And to travel is my second goal. Im gonna go travel across to the other side of the world for awhile 🙂 Thailand will be my first stop, then who knows, maybe australia, or Rome. find me some love, and some surfing.

I apologize for the long gap in my updates ❤

love you lovers Xoxoxo

Feeling a Tad bit Merry ;)

So things have been recovering nicely, and progressively getting better…I’m caught up mentally physically spiritually, and Christmas shopping is done. Yeahhh

Also, laundry done, hair dyed, nails did and NOT SICK, FUCK YAAA!!! Hahaha, coming from a person who’s been sick TWiCE in the past 2 weeks. Brutality!!

I think the most significant thing I could write about right now, is that I am an ametuer escort who just landed her first job, say, a month and a half ago. I was stoked, and I worked as much as I could at first, under the agreement that we would go about and find out what worked for me in terms of how many shifts/days per week I could work etc. even though I have a pretty open schedule in life It came down to how much I could mentally physically spiritually handle working per week/month.

And after that first month of working 6 or 5 days a week I came to the conclusion that  it would best for me to work one month on one month off. But since  thats not really reasonable and kind of crazy, I think 3 or 4 days a week would be plenty. I definately went a little hard on myself like i usally do. I could even be okay with working 2 or 3 because Im not greedy, and I value my health and sanity over money and wealth any fucking day of the week.

I’m soo happy to be off until the new year. I was a good girl and saved.

I think in the new yaer I’m going to buy myself a bicycle and do some exploring of this city. Hell, it’s a beautiful city and it would be a shame to have moved here just to hermit out in an apartment and not check out all the beaches and forests and mountains!! and did I say beaches!?! Lovely just lovely the opoortunities when not blinded and anchored by a drug.

Speaking of drugs, yep I lost another fiend, I mean friend, and gained another old friend that resurfaced and is moving back to the mainland. YAY! Glad to have a real motha fucka back, and to have shed a shady mofucka. Lucky girl I am, i love karma.

Karma serves me good, take the bad with the good, good ryhmes with should, and I’m a hellava rhymer. o crap i smoked some weed. LoVe XoxoxoxXoxoxox

Love all you lovers Xo

the Guilt of Reality

Today is a tough day for me. I took the day off. I desparately need it, although I’ve only been working for over a month, it’s been nearly everyday and for 10-12 hours at a time. Needless to say, all other parts of my usual life have been suffering greatly, and the one big guilt i have is the lack of time I have been spending with my mum. I let her in on what I have been doing, and I’m sure thats hard enough on her. She knows that this is just a temporary gig for me, and that I’m just trying to reach some financial goals that I have been unable to attain in the past 5+ years. It’s sad, but it’s really difficult to save for anything, especially when you’re a woman with no real skills and a looming drug addiction. Well atleast I’m not going down that road again, thats one thing I know for sure, and one less thing to feel guilty about.

It’s weird, for me I have always felt this underlying sense of guilt, even when I’m not doing anything wrong…it’s like I feel guilty just for being me…LOL. That’s some wack shit right there…no wonder I drink. Haha. But anyways, that feeling has been lessening the more sober time I have, and the more comfortable I am in my skin. And I don’t want to let this get away from me again, I want to stay on top of my sense of confidence, and be the one in control of what I do. See I have a huge problem with saying no to people, and I desparately want to ask for less days  a week of work, but I am being manipulated to work more, which wouldn’t be a bad thing if I could find some infinite source of energy and time and be able to fit in all the things I love in my time off, which is fucking clearly inpossible since all I want to do when I come home is lay in bed. Thats sad. LoL. But atleast I’m aware of what I want, and now I just gotta figure out how to ask for it and make it happen. I figure I will do it some time after christmas, since I will obviously be taking christmas off and Im sure I’ll muster up some courage to demand what I want. And it’s not like it’s that unfair or obnoxious to want to work only 3-4 days a week instead of 5-6 and those are long days.

Anyways I dont want to bore y’all with my boring stuff. I’m finding great relief in reading other bloggers stuff…there are some amazing and interesting writers out there that help inspire me, get me through the day…yep its pretty awesome. And today is one of those days where I’m gonna stay in bed and nerd out on my computer because I deserve it 🙂 Maybe I’ll hit the gym…

LoVe Xoxox

Happy holidays ho ho hos

Hello lovers So I’m finally feeling back to normal. Normal! LOL. Thats a joke. But anyways, I’m my throat is all better and my head is not acheing so I’m good to go! It’s been a good few days at work, with only one incident…that I don’t really want to get into…but anyways! I went out for a drink with my sexy boss last night which was just what I needed. My social life has really been suffering (not that it was so fabulous before) but what I mean is with the hours I work it’s difficult to plan with friends or even just muster up the energy to want to socialize, and not just fall onto my bed and watch tv until the wee hours. So it was nice to get out a little last night. I also got to go out with my girlfriend on Friday and have some much needed girl time and talk about all the shit I’ve been doing. Because yes some of you were right, drugs are a part of the escorting life style and I have been using here and there. But it’s a novely thing, and I’m sure the novelty will wear thin soon enough. and it already is.

And one thing I do know is that I don’t enjoy doing blow. Well it’s weird, I do and I don’t. I guess it depends on the situation, and I really only enjoy doing a little, not a lot, like a whole night bender, that shit is way too hard on my system. I really only enjoy doing it with another girl, and in a fun social situation, like it’s fun to do duos with some blow to make it more exciting, but other than that, the drug is kinda lame, and expensive.

But my real pressing issue thats been kind of getting to me, and the one thing I must tell you is I have mainly been working by myself, and I’m getting pretty lonely…I wish there was another girl here working with me. It’s funny cuz I have always enjoyed my own company and working alone…but I guess too much of a “good” thing is enough for me…I want company dammit! Lol. It’s fun having another girl to work with, and gossip with and talk shit about the men we take money from hahaha. So I mentioned this to the bosses (well not the gory details) and hopefully there will be another girl here soon. I hope. For my sanity’s sake.

Anyways… time for me to eat my dinner and chill for a bit before my next booking.

LoVe xoxoxo

Lonely life of an Escort

So I feel really lonely lately…I’ve been working everyday and the place I’m working out of is a condo and I’m the only girl here most of the time, and it feels like I spend my whole life here. I was really sick starting last friday through to monday and had to come into work for tuesday still not feeling 100%. And it’s been pretty slow because of the holidays I suppose, but Im really feeling pressued by the boss’s and it really fucking feels not very happy right now. Im bitchy and I don’t even want to be here, I’ve been blowing my little amount of money Ive made in the past few days on dope cuz I feel shitty and thats just making things worse. I have such a low temper threshold for idiots and unfortunately in this industry you get more bees with honey and we deal with a ton of morons. I gotta remember nothing is to be taken personally and it’s abou the money just like it’s about the sex with them. I guess my personal and social life is definately suffering, so Im bringing it into the work place and getting offended a lot and being bitchy at times and it’s not helping.

I’m going to just tell myself that I am still recovering from my sickness last week, and ya I fucked up with the dope, but things will get better. They always do after hard times. Life is so up and down, and I know from experience when life is shitty, if I try and make it better, it does get better. So im just going to try be more healthy, I have been not eating well and drinking a lot of alcohol, and plus being the only girl workig in this place is not good at all. I feel like a animal in a cage.

Anyway, reading other escorts adventures helps, it helps to know I am not the only woman who goes through these things, and that helps a lot. So thank you to all you girls out there Xo’s

Back to it Workin’ girl

I’m back to work…its been a fuzzy start…my head feels hazy and I can’t think very good but I saw my man “D”, I will call him. It’s a funny relationship we have, if you can call it that. He’s the one who gave me the “run-down” aka seen if I can fuck, for my escort agency interview. And give a wicked blow-job which I do 😉 So to tell you guys what’s up I started working with a girl who’s been here for 3 months, but J gave her the run down, D’s partner…so it was all like D was my guy, J was hers. So now…she’s gone And J interviewd a couple duds, and then D gave a few girls the rundown….and to be perfectly honest,… and not to toot my own horn, I am the reliable, tight n hot bitch around here. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little bit of jealousy. But please, I don’t let it get the best of me. I have been thrugh some pretty nasty relationships and hard times on the streets with drug addiction and competiton and I have my confidence in my self fully, I could take me or leave em at any time…and thats what makes me cold…and I (at some time) want to work on that…softening myself…making myself vulnerable… lol

Shit Im not gonna lie…Ive had a few tonight. Its my first night back at work in 4 days and I decided im gonna get drunk. and now I have hiccups and ya thats never a good idea to get drunk. But anyways I just wanted to share some drama and get this off my chest.

Love youuuu xoxoxoxox hunni