Some peoples true colors turn ugly

So I have this friend that I met while I was volunteering for a womens recovery group as a mentor, she was also a mentor. We started hanging out outside of group, going for coffee and we started getting really honest with eachother about a lot of personal shit, that honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. And our relationship started to grow and I actually enjoyed just hanging out and talking about psychology and philosphy and drugs and recovery and sex and all sorts of taboo shit. And this was so special to me because I honestly don’t really like a lot of people, it’s rare for me to come across someone I really connect with on an deeper honest level.

Slowly, we both began to slip, and it began to seem to me that as soon as I would tell her I did something, she would use that as an OK to go ahead and do that herself, she was using me as her enabler. Recently when I told her I slipped and used H, she used that as an ok to start using her doc. Now she’s using it day after day and her life and goals are going to shit, where as I have stopped using as of last tuesday. And she says she’s “harm reduction”, and so she phones me late last night because she was worried that she was going to overdose. Now that is not harm reduction, that is someone hiding under the veil of hr. And it’s bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

So today I called her, my call was rejected. So I text her to ask how shes doing and she says sorry I missed your call, I was fixing. Fuck man, what am I supposed to say to that? What did she expect me to do or say when she called me like that last night? So she starts saying how I’ve never listened to her and all this hurtful dramatic crap so I say “talk to me when you’re sober” and she said “excuse me fuck you” and I said “you just lost a friend. peace”

Fuck man I hate drugs. I hate how they destroy peoples dreams and goals. I can’t stand the thought of all the relationships lost and hearts broken because of dope. It’s crazy seeing it from the other side, it was always me being the dramatic over reacting lunatic, who cared nothing about you unless you were enabling my use. There’s no point in argueing with a using addict. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and will leave you drained and heartbroken. It’s fucked seeing it from the other side, and seeing a person change. I feel so powerless. I just thank god for my family, and that my family is safe and that I have my sanity and that I am not caught in the steely grip of addiction. It’s a horrible position to be in, for everyone involved with the addict.

All I can do it pray, because honestly I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have much experience on this side of the fence, but I can tell when I’m being used. And she’s using me as  someone to cosign her drug use. And I refuse to do that any longer. But I don’t know how to go about helping her without making it worse, because it seems like no matter what I say she reacts to it negatively. Fack.

Anyways, I will continue to stay strong, and I look forward to a new year baby! 2015! It’s gonna be a good year I tell ya ❤

Xoxoxo

***Any personal experiences, suggestions, or comments of any kind would be very greatly appreciated. LoVe Xoxox

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the Guilt of Reality

Today is a tough day for me. I took the day off. I desparately need it, although I’ve only been working for over a month, it’s been nearly everyday and for 10-12 hours at a time. Needless to say, all other parts of my usual life have been suffering greatly, and the one big guilt i have is the lack of time I have been spending with my mum. I let her in on what I have been doing, and I’m sure thats hard enough on her. She knows that this is just a temporary gig for me, and that I’m just trying to reach some financial goals that I have been unable to attain in the past 5+ years. It’s sad, but it’s really difficult to save for anything, especially when you’re a woman with no real skills and a looming drug addiction. Well atleast I’m not going down that road again, thats one thing I know for sure, and one less thing to feel guilty about.

It’s weird, for me I have always felt this underlying sense of guilt, even when I’m not doing anything wrong…it’s like I feel guilty just for being me…LOL. That’s some wack shit right there…no wonder I drink. Haha. But anyways, that feeling has been lessening the more sober time I have, and the more comfortable I am in my skin. And I don’t want to let this get away from me again, I want to stay on top of my sense of confidence, and be the one in control of what I do. See I have a huge problem with saying no to people, and I desparately want to ask for less days  a week of work, but I am being manipulated to work more, which wouldn’t be a bad thing if I could find some infinite source of energy and time and be able to fit in all the things I love in my time off, which is fucking clearly inpossible since all I want to do when I come home is lay in bed. Thats sad. LoL. But atleast I’m aware of what I want, and now I just gotta figure out how to ask for it and make it happen. I figure I will do it some time after christmas, since I will obviously be taking christmas off and Im sure I’ll muster up some courage to demand what I want. And it’s not like it’s that unfair or obnoxious to want to work only 3-4 days a week instead of 5-6 and those are long days.

Anyways I dont want to bore y’all with my boring stuff. I’m finding great relief in reading other bloggers stuff…there are some amazing and interesting writers out there that help inspire me, get me through the day…yep its pretty awesome. And today is one of those days where I’m gonna stay in bed and nerd out on my computer because I deserve it 🙂 Maybe I’ll hit the gym…

LoVe Xoxox

Lonely life of an Escort

So I feel really lonely lately…I’ve been working everyday and the place I’m working out of is a condo and I’m the only girl here most of the time, and it feels like I spend my whole life here. I was really sick starting last friday through to monday and had to come into work for tuesday still not feeling 100%. And it’s been pretty slow because of the holidays I suppose, but Im really feeling pressued by the boss’s and it really fucking feels not very happy right now. Im bitchy and I don’t even want to be here, I’ve been blowing my little amount of money Ive made in the past few days on dope cuz I feel shitty and thats just making things worse. I have such a low temper threshold for idiots and unfortunately in this industry you get more bees with honey and we deal with a ton of morons. I gotta remember nothing is to be taken personally and it’s abou the money just like it’s about the sex with them. I guess my personal and social life is definately suffering, so Im bringing it into the work place and getting offended a lot and being bitchy at times and it’s not helping.

I’m going to just tell myself that I am still recovering from my sickness last week, and ya I fucked up with the dope, but things will get better. They always do after hard times. Life is so up and down, and I know from experience when life is shitty, if I try and make it better, it does get better. So im just going to try be more healthy, I have been not eating well and drinking a lot of alcohol, and plus being the only girl workig in this place is not good at all. I feel like a animal in a cage.

Anyway, reading other escorts adventures helps, it helps to know I am not the only woman who goes through these things, and that helps a lot. So thank you to all you girls out there Xo’s

Down in the dumps. Fuck.

For some reason I’m feeling super depressed tonight. It’s weird because I have been doing the “next right thing” and making good decisions lately…and that should have me feeling good, but I just feel depressed. I even went out for coffee with my good friend today, and I also have a potential job that’s looking good, and I’ve been productive today, and still, just feel down. I think it’s because I feel lonely. My one guy friend ditched out on our plans 2 weeks ago, and hasn’t spoken to me since, and it hurts. Now I know what it feels like to be just disappeared on. I used to do it all the time to people when I would go off into my addiction, and just leave my loved ones hanging, not knowing where I am, or if they’re gonna see me again. Fuck.

These days, I try not to let thoughts like that take me over, or make me feel horrible like they should…my loved ones told me not to let those things of the past eat at me…and I guess it’s true, why let the horrors of the past ruin today. I am here today, and I’m not going anywhere, and I sure as hell will never do any of those terrible things again, I just didn’t KNOW back then. I tricked myself into thinking no one even cared, and that they were actually just better off without me around. Now I know, that was my addiction. I am so much different today, I am my true self, and that wasn’t me, I was jaded, taken over and dictated by an evil force: Addiction. Now today with this experience and awareness, I’ll do what I can to help other young women suffering from the same shit I went through. I will do anything I can, and I will always say yes to a person who wants my help.

That’s actually why I started this blog, not just as a place for me to vent all my shit, but I hoped that maybe it would help someone, somewhere, that maybe some words I say will help someone with a tough decision, or face an insecurity by hearing that another woman has felt the same way, and that we’re all just human and that there is someone out there who cares. I care. If this sounds like you please feel free to comment or send me an email and I will help in any way I can. I am almost 1 year clean, so I’ve been through quite a bit when it comes to recovery, after all this is not my first kick at the can so to speak. I have 10 years experience with addiction, and was in and out of recovery for 3. And by the grace of god I have this much clean time, and I love my life! Regardless that I do feel depressed and shitty sometimes, I know how to get through it clean, because I know my worst day clean is 1000x better than my best day loaded. That’s the truth!

Anyways I actually feel better now then when I first started writing. That’s why writing is my healer. It helps me remember all I am grateful for, and all there is to work towards and look forward to. It gives me hope and allows me to dream! And make those dreams into a reality!  Ya baby! I wonder if everyone who writes finds it as therapeutic as I do? Hmm..

Thanks for reading, please leave me a comment! I will comment on your blog in return. And that is a Promise! Thanks ❤

It feels good to make good decisions

It’s true, that doing the right thing, even when no ones watching, feels really darn good. After making that decision yesterday, I’m feeling a lot better, definately less depressed and more optimistic and content with life. I went out handing out resumes today, it was bright and sunny and fucking freezing, but I was happy and I’m actually really excited to possibly be employed at this really awesome place that is right up my alley, so to say.

And this is just one of a serious of good decisions I’ve made in my first year clean. Yep I’m coming up to my One Year clean!! Wow!! I’ve never, ever been able to kick the drugs for this long, and I’m so proud of myself. Life is amazing, and for once, this feels like a permanent change for me. It’s really amazing and wonderful the relationship I have now with my fam. That means so much more to me than money, or drugs, or dishonesty. That’s one of the main reasons I am able to stay clean, and make good decisions, for the most part any way! Even when I make mistakes, the reason why I care to fix them and learn from them and grow n all that good stuff, is because I hate being dishonest with my family, and it’s so hard to be open about making bad decisions…especially when I don’t want to fix them. Which I inevitably will, but there’s still that time between making the mistake and wanting to fix it. The time when it doesn’t seem like so much of a bad idea, like me with my dream of being an escort, LOL. Not really something ya wanna be talking about to the fam. Get my point? Ya, we’re all human…I just like to write about it!!

Oh, and get this! Today, after I got back from handing out resumes, I got a call from this guy I know (friend in my building) and he let’s me know I have a job for winter with the company he works for, I just have to send in my resume! So it really is true, that good things come to those who try. And it wasn’t even that bad, I just threw myself together and went out with some resumes. It was fucking freezing but I was happy. This is the first time I have gone job hunting for years. After all, the past 3 years I’ve been a dope shootin’ little skank with violent criminal tendancies. Haha. Sounds worse than it is…but it was bad, I was completely insane. I’m surprised I came back from that person, and that I didn’t die.

Anyway, enough of that! Just I’d be completely open and thorough on my blog. I can’t be expressing myself as this person who is just a normal day-to-day average joe, this is my recovery blog..and I have been to fucking hell and back. Thank you for reading!!

My first post…

Hey, So I’m really excited to finally be online, sharing my writing with the world. Now I realize at this time I probably don’t have any followers, and that’s okay because it takes the stress off me and allows me to write freely, until I get used to the fact I’m posting my innermost thoughts and experiences with the world, no big D.

So I know this is kind of just starting off with no background of me, but I’m not gonna start writing about all my past history right now because that would be really boring for me and that’s not why I’m here. I’m sure it will all get filled in over time, and you can kind of take a guess by reading my Intro, or whatever that paragraph is up above!

I’ll start out by letting you know I’ve picked up my account again on Seeking Arrangment, yep I’m trying to find myself a sugar daddy. For me, I’ve never had much money, I’ve never been spoiled by a man, and never lived the easy life of luxury and shopping like nothing matters and spending money frivolously. And it’s not like that’s all that I want, I do want the relationship part of it too. But I just think it’s an interesting adventure and hey, I’m single, I’m young why the F not, right?!?! I think it is pretty much every girls dream to be swept up off her feet by a nice rich man and wined and dined and given a little extra spending money to do as she pleases, I mean comon who wouldn’t love that. So ya I’m giving that another go. The last date I went on the guy fell in love with me and wanted me to commit to a serious relationship after the first date. He’s like but I need to have babies soon and I was like BLOCK AND DELETE. No haha he actually blocked me. But whatever. SO I’m giving it another go…wish me luck!

On another note, I was chatting with my grandma on the phone, who is amazing and we were talking about my cousin who we suspect is using drugs…and totally fucking with his mom and grandma and the family and being all fucked and so we were talking about how since I went through addiction and my mother and my family have been through dealing with me when I was in the worst of it, if they would reach out to us because it always helps to ask someone who’s been through it to share their wisdom and insight…or just what worked for them. It’s always the best to include people and ask for help, rather then trying to do things alone.

And this conversation sparked a whole bunch of other chatting about how I’m learning to give back and help other young girls in need and in addiction before it gets to bad and the worst, leads to death, and that would be awful. So that is my dream, and so we were talking and she said how I am blessed with insight, and she’s right I feel so grateful to have this gift of insight that I hope to channel and use to help people! And it is so much easier to start with the help of someone else, and this conversation was so inspiring that I asked my grama is she’d like to start a blog with me, and so ya! Once that’s up and running, I will post the link to it here, on my personal blog.

Anyway, that’s a sneak peek on that, and a little introduction to me. I’m super excited to be starting my own blog. I’ve been nervous and shy to so it for so long, and my computer skills are just starting to get good. I could honestly never even write on the computer before, not because of my typing skills but I would just get writers block when I would start a work document, but I could write like hell in a diary with pen and ink. I’ve filled up more then a dozen tablets I assume. Good times, bad times, horrible times and schemes and dreams and letters and all sorts of shite. Yeah I love writing, it’s always been a part of me and is becoming more and more of a thing for me, I would like to one day use my writing to help people, guide people, answer questions or brainstorm and find answers and simply just write beautiful things that make you feel good. The internet is such a big place, it’s  intimidating but so exciting! Thanks for reading my first post.