Feeling a Tad bit Merry ;)

So things have been recovering nicely, and progressively getting better…I’m caught up mentally physically spiritually, and Christmas shopping is done. Yeahhh

Also, laundry done, hair dyed, nails did and NOT SICK, FUCK YAAA!!! Hahaha, coming from a person who’s been sick TWiCE in the past 2 weeks. Brutality!!

I think the most significant thing I could write about right now, is that I am an ametuer escort who just landed her first job, say, a month and a half ago. I was stoked, and I worked as much as I could at first, under the agreement that we would go about and find out what worked for me in terms of how many shifts/days per week I could work etc. even though I have a pretty open schedule in life It came down to how much I could mentally physically spiritually handle working per week/month.

And after that first month of working 6 or 5 days a week I came to the conclusion that  it would best for me to work one month on one month off. But since  thats not really reasonable and kind of crazy, I think 3 or 4 days a week would be plenty. I definately went a little hard on myself like i usally do. I could even be okay with working 2 or 3 because Im not greedy, and I value my health and sanity over money and wealth any fucking day of the week.

I’m soo happy to be off until the new year. I was a good girl and saved.

I think in the new yaer I’m going to buy myself a bicycle and do some exploring of this city. Hell, it’s a beautiful city and it would be a shame to have moved here just to hermit out in an apartment and not check out all the beaches and forests and mountains!! and did I say beaches!?! Lovely just lovely the opoortunities when not blinded and anchored by a drug.

Speaking of drugs, yep I lost another fiend, I mean friend, and gained another old friend that resurfaced and is moving back to the mainland. YAY! Glad to have a real motha fucka back, and to have shed a shady mofucka. Lucky girl I am, i love karma.

Karma serves me good, take the bad with the good, good ryhmes with should, and I’m a hellava rhymer. o crap i smoked some weed. LoVe XoxoxoxXoxoxox

Love all you lovers Xo

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Some peoples true colors turn ugly

So I have this friend that I met while I was volunteering for a womens recovery group as a mentor, she was also a mentor. We started hanging out outside of group, going for coffee and we started getting really honest with eachother about a lot of personal shit, that honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. And our relationship started to grow and I actually enjoyed just hanging out and talking about psychology and philosphy and drugs and recovery and sex and all sorts of taboo shit. And this was so special to me because I honestly don’t really like a lot of people, it’s rare for me to come across someone I really connect with on an deeper honest level.

Slowly, we both began to slip, and it began to seem to me that as soon as I would tell her I did something, she would use that as an OK to go ahead and do that herself, she was using me as her enabler. Recently when I told her I slipped and used H, she used that as an ok to start using her doc. Now she’s using it day after day and her life and goals are going to shit, where as I have stopped using as of last tuesday. And she says she’s “harm reduction”, and so she phones me late last night because she was worried that she was going to overdose. Now that is not harm reduction, that is someone hiding under the veil of hr. And it’s bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

So today I called her, my call was rejected. So I text her to ask how shes doing and she says sorry I missed your call, I was fixing. Fuck man, what am I supposed to say to that? What did she expect me to do or say when she called me like that last night? So she starts saying how I’ve never listened to her and all this hurtful dramatic crap so I say “talk to me when you’re sober” and she said “excuse me fuck you” and I said “you just lost a friend. peace”

Fuck man I hate drugs. I hate how they destroy peoples dreams and goals. I can’t stand the thought of all the relationships lost and hearts broken because of dope. It’s crazy seeing it from the other side, it was always me being the dramatic over reacting lunatic, who cared nothing about you unless you were enabling my use. There’s no point in argueing with a using addict. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and will leave you drained and heartbroken. It’s fucked seeing it from the other side, and seeing a person change. I feel so powerless. I just thank god for my family, and that my family is safe and that I have my sanity and that I am not caught in the steely grip of addiction. It’s a horrible position to be in, for everyone involved with the addict.

All I can do it pray, because honestly I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have much experience on this side of the fence, but I can tell when I’m being used. And she’s using me as  someone to cosign her drug use. And I refuse to do that any longer. But I don’t know how to go about helping her without making it worse, because it seems like no matter what I say she reacts to it negatively. Fack.

Anyways, I will continue to stay strong, and I look forward to a new year baby! 2015! It’s gonna be a good year I tell ya ❤

Xoxoxo

***Any personal experiences, suggestions, or comments of any kind would be very greatly appreciated. LoVe Xoxox