A Really Bad Date… Kissing frogs

I’m a sensitive kind of girl. Always have been, probably always will be. I am sensitive by’ nature, but the nurture part of me has experienced some very raw, horrible and spirit breaking stuff, that would make a girl hardened. So I am a mixture, I am tough and hard, but I am also soft and precious. That being said, I have been brave and vulnerable by starting this blog, and sharing my innermost thoughts and daily experiences with the world, and although I am anonymous, the comments I receive still do reach me. And I appreciate the feedback. I really do.

I want to update ya’ll on my date last night. It was horrible. It only lasted about 15 minutes, I waited at the starbucks for my “date” who showed up late…didn’t offer to buy me a coffee, or go sit inside even though it was cold. He started off by lieing and saying he was hoping to get married in the next 6 days, which was really weird because I actually thought he was serious. He was asking me creepy questions about my fetishes (which I don’t really have, and to be honest, the thought of seeing him naked repulsed me), and even though my first impression was one of mild disgust…I decided to not be judgemental and to give him a shot…but it just kept getting worse and worse. He started asking me about how I make money, and when I told him I was on assistance, because I had trouble with addictions and went to treatment about a year ago, and I am just getting on my feet. He started asking me “doesn’t welfare make you work?” and I said that’s kind of a personal question, like you don’t even know me or anything about me or where I’m at in life” is what I was thinking…he said well I pay taxes so no that not really a person question. Then he said “so I guess we have different political views to” or something dueschy like that, and I just got up to leave, and he quickly got up right after me and said “ya I agree”. Ew, what a horrible experience. There was so much more dsgusting shit he said to me during our meet. It’s not even worth me writing it out here.

Anyway, he messaged me after telling me how he’s gonna warn all the gentlemen on the site not to date me because I’m a drug addict and a mooch of society. Wow, what a gentleman.

Well I’m prepared to kiss many frogs before I find my Prince, and I know none of that is true. And from any criticisms I take what I can improve on and leave the rest. Because no one, no matter how much money you have, has the right to put another person down. And I truly believe that. Unless someone is a pedaphile or a murderer or something horrible and someone who is not interested in atleast thinking about trying to improve themselves or improve the world.

I’m trying to be like a duck, and just let that shit roll off my back. Trying to keep positive.

Please pray for me if you have a minute, thanks.

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Things are getting hot up in hurrr

I’m excited for my date tonight!! Wish me luck. I’m super nervous and excited. And just to give an update, I have an interview this week for an escort agency. I am super excited and nervous for that as well, as it has always been a dream of mine. You know how little girls dream of finding a husband and getting married and all that jazz, well my dream has always been to be a stripper or an escort and be highly desired by all men. I must be sick. But that is what makes me happy! I have tried the marriage/monogamous relationship thing several times, and I just end up getting hurt and feeling jealous and lesser-than, comparing myself to every other woman, etc. and I hate feeling those feelings. So in a way I’ve given up on that. And now it’s all about me. I’m finally being true to myself, and yes I know it might sound immature, or like it’s not going to last, and I realize that. I just want to do this, try it and have it out of my system, THEN I might be more ready to try and settle down, find a man to be loyal to, have some kids and I’ll feel ready to be that woman. But at this time, this is what I desire.. I want to work hard and save up all the money I make and put it away for something good and worthwhile. So I’m super grateful that I am clean and I have my values and goals clear in my mind. And I am not giving up on this dream… I want to save up some serious money, pay off my debts, get my teeth fixed, eyes fixed, and maybe save up for a house for in the future. I feel good about this!

Having said that, I realize that this doesn’t sound like a very spiritual thing to be doing, but it just is what it is.. and it’s something I have wanted to try for a long time, and in my mind, it’s okay to try different things, and make mistakes, as long as I’m not hurting anyone or myself. And I don’t see trading sex for money as morally wrong or spiritually unjust, it’s something that has been around for ages, and as long as it’s not harming anyone then it is not a bad thing! It is a good thing! That’s how I see it, and maybe other people see it differently, I respect that. It’s an experience and it’s happening. I will update after my interview.

On a totally different note, I am quite pleased that I have some followers on my blog! This makes me super happy, so thank you to the peeps who are following me. I will get around to checking out each of your blogs, I love reading and learning about new people and hopefully, new friends. Super cool.

So this weekend, I spend out at my families house, helping my sisters clean their suite (since it’s a pigsty, they are teenagers) and I gave my sister a little gift of a leather-bound journal with owls on it, and some pens to start writing, as she is going through some hard times with her dad and is having trouble expressing her feelings. I know from experience how valuable journaling can be, when I went to treatment for the second time I wasn’t allowed to communicate with my family or anyone I knew for 30 days and I felt super lonely and depressed. I got through those times by journaling and writing out my feelings, it really is a strong tool for working through shit. So I hope she uses it! I love her so much, and she’s such a good girl. She learned a lot from the mistakes of her big sister (yours truly), and for that I am grateful. So that was fun, and I also discovered some old boxes of my stuff, including my grad dress and all my paperwork from my esthetics course I took a few years ago, which cost $13,000 and thank god I found my diploma, I thought I had lost it, so that tied up some loose ends for me and again made me feel really good. It was a good weekend. I also ran into an old guy friend whom I went to the Metallica concert with in grade 9. That was like 12 years ago!! He is in recovery too, which is super cool. He talked my face off, he was happy to see me. Said I have some color in my face, I was really pale back then, not that I’m that much more tanned now, I just use bronzer lol.

So I started reading some other blogs and it is just so cool to know other people have similar thoughts and other people are just human too, with human problems, human experiences and ways of expressing it and I am just really enjoying this whole blogging experience so far. Hopefully I’ll get some comments and feedback some day!

Love love love

Tonight…

Well tonight was a big one for me…I admitted to myself that I have a problem. Now I don’t even know if I can admit it here on my blog, but atleast I admitted to myself. And so I came home and started doing a little research, and I guess that’s the first step to me, is just bringing it out in my mind that it is a problem. I may expand on this more later…

On another note, I have a date for Sunday I think! I’m really excited, this guy is looking for exactly what I am looking for…dates a few times per month, and what’s nice about him is that he’s very upfront and particular about what he offers and what he’s looking for in terms of time and money, which is nice. He was the first to bring up money, which is always uncomfortable to bring up as a woman and so it’s really nice when a man just asks or offers outright instead of making it that much more difficult. If he just says it outright it saves everyone from looking bad, or making it seem like a transaction, and instead of putting the woman in the position of having to ask, which is wrong in my opinion. A man should take the initiative with the money transaction, because first of all, he is the one with the money, and second of all, he ultimately decides how much he will give and what he wants in return for that money. So unless a man just likes making a woman feel lesser than him, or making her beg or whatever fucking power trip some men  like to go on, a real man would just put it out there, and make a woman feel like she’s worthwhile, and that the money that she is worth is not even a problem to him at all, and that he is more than happy to take care of her.

That’s my rant about that! Haha! So I’m just very appreciative of this guy for being straight up. It’s all I can ask for, especially when just meeting someone. It sucks putting in a bunch of time and energy getting to know someone, and them knowing what you are expecting to some degree, only for them to be wasting your time. Thank you Seeking Arrangement! Good times! Well wish me luck on my date! And I will surely post an update after it happens.

As for my spiritual well being, I have begun praying again, and I find this to actually be very important in my life. I stopped praying for the past couple months, and I found myself drinking more and more, and feeling less and less in touch with myself and my direction in life. So I guess that’s what I really find useful and practical about prayer is that it helps me sum things up, and allows me the time and focus to reflect on what I’ve been up to during my day, and if I had been accomplishing any of my goals, I get a change to put out there into the universe what I desire, I get to ask for what I need, and in turn I may come up with solutions to whatevers going on for me, and I put out positive affirmations. That’s what prayer does for me, and I’m glad to be practicing it again, even if it is just at night. Hopefully I’ll start doing some meditation is my days soon. I need to start getting up earlier to do that though I think. Noon just doesn’t leave me enough time in a day.

Well it’s nice to be introducing myself a little bit, even though I don’t think anyones following me yet. Update tomorrow.