Levelling out <3

So I quit escorting yesterday. I am done. I started to not enjoy the work, and the anti-social lifestyle that it brought me was beginning to be too much. Plus the dream.

I had a dream last week of love. Real live love, I felt it, and when I woke up I cried because I was alone, and I knew what I had to do if I ever wanted to feel that feeling again. I had to do the right thing and quit the agency.

Un requited love is the most terrible kind of love…like pure torture of the heart body & soul. Please god let this be destiny, let him find me and hold eachother like in the dream you gave me. If that not be  your will, then fine. I trust in that, but I will not sit back and let life happen, i will reach out and grab life by the nuts

So ya I guess I’m job hunting. But first, Thailand ❤ yes in march I will go to Thailand and get off methadone. Lol, yes another one of my crazy goals I will go through wit even though people say Im crazy. I feel proud of myself for doing the things I’ve done, and the things I’ve stopped doing.

Anyways, I feel things are levelling out just as they should be. Love u loves xoxox

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why am i alive?

And I don’t mean this in a “oh fuck im going to kill myself because my life is pointless” kind of way. I’m just like shit man, Im an escort, and business has been slow, and that makes me question myself. obviously. fuck. only an escort would undertstand.

and i got these amazing nails done, and i cant type worth a shit with them which is driving me nuts. maybe something to do with the depression i’ve been having for the past while. fuck these nails. but damn their hot. story of my life. my bipolar life.

SPLIT. thats the only way to sum up my brain, and my thinking, and my actions, my everyything. schizophrenia literally means split-brain.

Finally the agency hired another girl. fuck its nice to have someone to relate to in real life. Even if its just for a day, who knows how long she will last.

Im so anti—social. Its my goal this year to open myself up to the idea of meeting people and making friends, relationships. Im so closed, so unavailable. And to travel is my second goal. Im gonna go travel across to the other side of the world for awhile 🙂 Thailand will be my first stop, then who knows, maybe australia, or Rome. find me some love, and some surfing.

I apologize for the long gap in my updates ❤

love you lovers Xoxoxo

A deeper kind of Happiness

So yes the holidays are over. Thank god. Now I’m done with being lazy, eating chocolate and just eating eating for every occasion, being so self indulgent with wine drinking and smoking joints and wasting money on other things I shouldn’t be 😉

So now I ask myself, where is my deeper kind of happiness? I know it’s there, easily forgotten or tuned out, putting too much value on the things that come and go so easily, the small things, the things easily gained and lost. I want to be tuned in to my purpose, my inner values and my inner peace. It seems silly but I find this when I go to the gym.

Thats my thing now. Is I need to be saying no to the easy way and push myself to do the thing that feels more amazing than heroin and costs barely anything. The gym. I love it. This year is going to be good. Great, even. I know this sounds super cliche probably seeing as how its January 2nd and I’m vowing that the gym is my god this year. LOL

I’m finaly back at work on sunday so that should be good.

LoVe Xoxoxo

This is Bliss :}

So I’m trying out this advanced setting and making this post private. I wonder if that works like I think it does…Hmmm!

(Changed my mind, I wanna share)

What this post is really about is…the Feeling of Christmas…felt by me…right now! I spent the day being bitchy, anxious, and bitchy and anxious, and then I realized….

All is Forgiven

All is well

All is good in my life……and repeat. I said this to myself while laying in a hot bubble bath and I felt whole and complete, like I was at peace with the earth the people in my life and life itself, with its unknowns and its twists and turns and uncertaintys and surprises and how things always work out in the end ❤

And I was stressing about how I was kept waiting as always by my dad and then I realized hey, I should just accet thats the way he is and learn it and move on! Let it go, do my thing and don’t let other things press on me and make me feel shit. It’s me all me. My life my choice my brain to learn from it and evolve, adapt and be happy!

I got rid of a big ol bag of prezzies for my lil bro my dad n my granny, and I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Feels good to do something nice. And good. All is good in my world.

Things arent perfct all the time, and sometimes bad shit happens, but All is forgiven, and I wanna be free. I am free. Fuck anxiety.

Anyway, feeling good. Daddy came and visited me and that was nice. Im all clean after a bath and life is peaceful and All is well in my world.

LoVe to all yu Lovers Xoxoxoxo

Feeling a Tad bit Merry ;)

So things have been recovering nicely, and progressively getting better…I’m caught up mentally physically spiritually, and Christmas shopping is done. Yeahhh

Also, laundry done, hair dyed, nails did and NOT SICK, FUCK YAAA!!! Hahaha, coming from a person who’s been sick TWiCE in the past 2 weeks. Brutality!!

I think the most significant thing I could write about right now, is that I am an ametuer escort who just landed her first job, say, a month and a half ago. I was stoked, and I worked as much as I could at first, under the agreement that we would go about and find out what worked for me in terms of how many shifts/days per week I could work etc. even though I have a pretty open schedule in life It came down to how much I could mentally physically spiritually handle working per week/month.

And after that first month of working 6 or 5 days a week I came to the conclusion that  it would best for me to work one month on one month off. But since  thats not really reasonable and kind of crazy, I think 3 or 4 days a week would be plenty. I definately went a little hard on myself like i usally do. I could even be okay with working 2 or 3 because Im not greedy, and I value my health and sanity over money and wealth any fucking day of the week.

I’m soo happy to be off until the new year. I was a good girl and saved.

I think in the new yaer I’m going to buy myself a bicycle and do some exploring of this city. Hell, it’s a beautiful city and it would be a shame to have moved here just to hermit out in an apartment and not check out all the beaches and forests and mountains!! and did I say beaches!?! Lovely just lovely the opoortunities when not blinded and anchored by a drug.

Speaking of drugs, yep I lost another fiend, I mean friend, and gained another old friend that resurfaced and is moving back to the mainland. YAY! Glad to have a real motha fucka back, and to have shed a shady mofucka. Lucky girl I am, i love karma.

Karma serves me good, take the bad with the good, good ryhmes with should, and I’m a hellava rhymer. o crap i smoked some weed. LoVe XoxoxoxXoxoxox

Love all you lovers Xo

Some peoples true colors turn ugly

So I have this friend that I met while I was volunteering for a womens recovery group as a mentor, she was also a mentor. We started hanging out outside of group, going for coffee and we started getting really honest with eachother about a lot of personal shit, that honestly I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. And our relationship started to grow and I actually enjoyed just hanging out and talking about psychology and philosphy and drugs and recovery and sex and all sorts of taboo shit. And this was so special to me because I honestly don’t really like a lot of people, it’s rare for me to come across someone I really connect with on an deeper honest level.

Slowly, we both began to slip, and it began to seem to me that as soon as I would tell her I did something, she would use that as an OK to go ahead and do that herself, she was using me as her enabler. Recently when I told her I slipped and used H, she used that as an ok to start using her doc. Now she’s using it day after day and her life and goals are going to shit, where as I have stopped using as of last tuesday. And she says she’s “harm reduction”, and so she phones me late last night because she was worried that she was going to overdose. Now that is not harm reduction, that is someone hiding under the veil of hr. And it’s bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

So today I called her, my call was rejected. So I text her to ask how shes doing and she says sorry I missed your call, I was fixing. Fuck man, what am I supposed to say to that? What did she expect me to do or say when she called me like that last night? So she starts saying how I’ve never listened to her and all this hurtful dramatic crap so I say “talk to me when you’re sober” and she said “excuse me fuck you” and I said “you just lost a friend. peace”

Fuck man I hate drugs. I hate how they destroy peoples dreams and goals. I can’t stand the thought of all the relationships lost and hearts broken because of dope. It’s crazy seeing it from the other side, it was always me being the dramatic over reacting lunatic, who cared nothing about you unless you were enabling my use. There’s no point in argueing with a using addict. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and will leave you drained and heartbroken. It’s fucked seeing it from the other side, and seeing a person change. I feel so powerless. I just thank god for my family, and that my family is safe and that I have my sanity and that I am not caught in the steely grip of addiction. It’s a horrible position to be in, for everyone involved with the addict.

All I can do it pray, because honestly I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t have much experience on this side of the fence, but I can tell when I’m being used. And she’s using me as  someone to cosign her drug use. And I refuse to do that any longer. But I don’t know how to go about helping her without making it worse, because it seems like no matter what I say she reacts to it negatively. Fack.

Anyways, I will continue to stay strong, and I look forward to a new year baby! 2015! It’s gonna be a good year I tell ya ❤

Xoxoxo

***Any personal experiences, suggestions, or comments of any kind would be very greatly appreciated. LoVe Xoxox

all we gotta do is try, baby, try

So Things have been pretty dark and gloomy lately, and not only that, but stagnant. I’ve been self-indulgent and neglecting my real well-being, by just fulfilling myself with junk and being a lazy b*tch. And today I finally had enough. And with a little guilt trip from my beautiful mother, I stood my ground and cut my own hours to something manageable, which didn’t go over so well at first with the boys, but it’s the way it has to be for me to enjoy my sanity as well as have a good attitude at work. Not only did I acheive that goal, which felt wonderful, but I threw on my gym clothes and hit the illiptical for half hour then i treated myself with a swim and hot tub for the following hour and half…now I feel truly wonderful, and revived. I feel human again. I didn’t really see how I was digging myself a hole slowly until i finally got out of it. I feel so good, drug free, got some energy from the gym, and got my dopamine flowing in a natural, healthy way…and I feel back on track. It’s good.

I always tell myself after a workout how important it is for me to do this weekly..and somehow I always slip, I always think the easier, softer way will make me feel better, and that it’s better to be lazy and eating junk food and fulfilling myself with unhealthy sh*t. So silly…when will I learn for good damnit?!?!? Silly human brain, gad I frustrate me sometimes. It seems like I repeat the same mistakes alot, like 2 steps forward, one step back type of thing, but when I look back on where I was last year I really have made a lot of changes and learned a lot from my mistakes. So I guess this is just perfecting the madness and I am only in my twenties and I believe this decade is for making mistakes and figuring out who the hell we are and how we would like to live and be. And sometimes that is just not a pretty sight. Haha.

Anyways, now that I’m feeling human again, I guess it’s time to start stressing out about the upcoming holidays and christmas shopping and all that jazz. It’s times like these where I wish I drove. Damnit. LOL. Oh well, if I think about it, and like you, I have a lot to be grateful for. A roof over my head, food in my stomach, family, and a future to do with as I please. Everything else is just details, but I want them to be the best details they can, and being an addict, I want to feel as good as possible, and from trial and error I know that good feeling is only sustainable through working out and eating well, and petting a cat if you have one (nothing dirtty there haha)

It feels good to finally be typing something positive, and maybe even funny. Thats me…Im not really a huge complainer unless I reeeeally feel like ass. Happy humpday friends!! Xoxoxo