Down in the dumps. Fuck.

For some reason I’m feeling super depressed tonight. It’s weird because I have been doing the “next right thing” and making good decisions lately…and that should have me feeling good, but I just feel depressed. I even went out for coffee with my good friend today, and I also have a potential job that’s looking good, and I’ve been productive today, and still, just feel down. I think it’s because I feel lonely. My one guy friend ditched out on our plans 2 weeks ago, and hasn’t spoken to me since, and it hurts. Now I know what it feels like to be just disappeared on. I used to do it all the time to people when I would go off into my addiction, and just leave my loved ones hanging, not knowing where I am, or if they’re gonna see me again. Fuck.

These days, I try not to let thoughts like that take me over, or make me feel horrible like they should…my loved ones told me not to let those things of the past eat at me…and I guess it’s true, why let the horrors of the past ruin today. I am here today, and I’m not going anywhere, and I sure as hell will never do any of those terrible things again, I just didn’t KNOW back then. I tricked myself into thinking no one even cared, and that they were actually just better off without me around. Now I know, that was my addiction. I am so much different today, I am my true self, and that wasn’t me, I was jaded, taken over and dictated by an evil force: Addiction. Now today with this experience and awareness, I’ll do what I can to help other young women suffering from the same shit I went through. I will do anything I can, and I will always say yes to a person who wants my help.

That’s actually why I started this blog, not just as a place for me to vent all my shit, but I hoped that maybe it would help someone, somewhere, that maybe some words I say will help someone with a tough decision, or face an insecurity by hearing that another woman has felt the same way, and that we’re all just human and that there is someone out there who cares. I care. If this sounds like you please feel free to comment or send me an email and I will help in any way I can. I am almost 1 year clean, so I’ve been through quite a bit when it comes to recovery, after all this is not my first kick at the can so to speak. I have 10 years experience with addiction, and was in and out of recovery for 3. And by the grace of god I have this much clean time, and I love my life! Regardless that I do feel depressed and shitty sometimes, I know how to get through it clean, because I know my worst day clean is 1000x better than my best day loaded. That’s the truth!

Anyways I actually feel better now then when I first started writing. That’s why writing is my healer. It helps me remember all I am grateful for, and all there is to work towards and look forward to. It gives me hope and allows me to dream! And make those dreams into a reality!  Ya baby! I wonder if everyone who writes finds it as therapeutic as I do? Hmm..

Thanks for reading, please leave me a comment! I will comment on your blog in return. And that is a Promise! Thanks ❤

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