I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…and praying, and talking with people and I have decided against escorting. I’ve done so much thinking even typing the word makes me feel ill. And after that horrible date the other night, and all the awful things he said to me…I’ve been trying to not let it affect me, but still I feel like a loser.
I know that he knows nothing about me, and that I am not what he says I am, but still I do have a past, and I can only imagine what it would feel like in 10 years from now, looking back and knowing that I had a choice and I chose the dark path. And that is what that choice would be. I mean, the money is very, very tempting for me. Like I mentioned before, I have always lived in poverty, and never had a comfortable amount of money. But in the past few months, some of the men I have encountered have made me feel a level of disgust that being poor doesn’t even compare to. So that being said, I am choosing the route of less money, but more internal comfort. I want to be able to be proud of what I do, even if it is something simple like working in a tanning salon, or as a waitress. I want to feel comfortable talking about my life with my grandma, and one day with my children and husband.
So that’s my big update, and it feels good to write. All my life I have feared judgement, because words cut deep for me, especially the hurtful words of others…and still at this age words hurt me…even if they are from a stranger. I have always been ambitious though, and courageous, meaning I am always willing to better myself, try harder, and do things even though I may feel weak.
I know I was writing before that being that girl is something I have always fantasized about, and dreamed about and I think that is where that shall remain. Because being that girl in real life may not be as glamorous or as sexy and desireable as I would like to think…and hopefully I will be okay with that. In fact, I know I will be okay with that! Life as I see it is about lessons and growth, and what I think is concrete one day may be demolished the next! (Looking out my window at the building being demolished seems like a perfect analogy:) So ya, I guess that chapter of my life is slowly closing, and I am learning the value of a dollar and some hard but integral work. Thank you for reading, and I am certainly open to any feedback and thoughts.