I’m excited for my date tonight!! Wish me luck. I’m super nervous and excited. And just to give an update, I have an interview this week for an escort agency. I am super excited and nervous for that as well, as it has always been a dream of mine. You know how little girls dream of finding a husband and getting married and all that jazz, well my dream has always been to be a stripper or an escort and be highly desired by all men. I must be sick. But that is what makes me happy! I have tried the marriage/monogamous relationship thing several times, and I just end up getting hurt and feeling jealous and lesser-than, comparing myself to every other woman, etc. and I hate feeling those feelings. So in a way I’ve given up on that. And now it’s all about me. I’m finally being true to myself, and yes I know it might sound immature, or like it’s not going to last, and I realize that. I just want to do this, try it and have it out of my system, THEN I might be more ready to try and settle down, find a man to be loyal to, have some kids and I’ll feel ready to be that woman. But at this time, this is what I desire.. I want to work hard and save up all the money I make and put it away for something good and worthwhile. So I’m super grateful that I am clean and I have my values and goals clear in my mind. And I am not giving up on this dream… I want to save up some serious money, pay off my debts, get my teeth fixed, eyes fixed, and maybe save up for a house for in the future. I feel good about this!
Having said that, I realize that this doesn’t sound like a very spiritual thing to be doing, but it just is what it is.. and it’s something I have wanted to try for a long time, and in my mind, it’s okay to try different things, and make mistakes, as long as I’m not hurting anyone or myself. And I don’t see trading sex for money as morally wrong or spiritually unjust, it’s something that has been around for ages, and as long as it’s not harming anyone then it is not a bad thing! It is a good thing! That’s how I see it, and maybe other people see it differently, I respect that. It’s an experience and it’s happening. I will update after my interview.
On a totally different note, I am quite pleased that I have some followers on my blog! This makes me super happy, so thank you to the peeps who are following me. I will get around to checking out each of your blogs, I love reading and learning about new people and hopefully, new friends. Super cool.
So this weekend, I spend out at my families house, helping my sisters clean their suite (since it’s a pigsty, they are teenagers) and I gave my sister a little gift of a leather-bound journal with owls on it, and some pens to start writing, as she is going through some hard times with her dad and is having trouble expressing her feelings. I know from experience how valuable journaling can be, when I went to treatment for the second time I wasn’t allowed to communicate with my family or anyone I knew for 30 days and I felt super lonely and depressed. I got through those times by journaling and writing out my feelings, it really is a strong tool for working through shit. So I hope she uses it! I love her so much, and she’s such a good girl. She learned a lot from the mistakes of her big sister (yours truly), and for that I am grateful. So that was fun, and I also discovered some old boxes of my stuff, including my grad dress and all my paperwork from my esthetics course I took a few years ago, which cost $13,000 and thank god I found my diploma, I thought I had lost it, so that tied up some loose ends for me and again made me feel really good. It was a good weekend. I also ran into an old guy friend whom I went to the Metallica concert with in grade 9. That was like 12 years ago!! He is in recovery too, which is super cool. He talked my face off, he was happy to see me. Said I have some color in my face, I was really pale back then, not that I’m that much more tanned now, I just use bronzer lol.
So I started reading some other blogs and it is just so cool to know other people have similar thoughts and other people are just human too, with human problems, human experiences and ways of expressing it and I am just really enjoying this whole blogging experience so far. Hopefully I’ll get some comments and feedback some day!
Love love love